DARTH MICKEY

Disney buys Lucasfilm, and geeks everywhere question their existence.

With recent news that Lucasfilm, Ltd. has been purchased by Disney, allow me to quote one of my “favorite” moments from the last Star Wars film:

Already helmed by pants-crapping madman, George Lucas, this acquisition by one of America’s most infamous, planet-devouring corporations means that, for Star Wars fans, the end may truly be in sight, compounded by the announcement that a new Star Wars movie will release in 2015.

Here are some changes that I anticipate after the acquisition takes place:

• Another re-release of the first Star Wars where, in order to settle the “Han shot first” argument, Disney re-shoots the scene so Han gets out of the booth and gives Greedo a big hug.
• Disney changes The Dark Side to The Spooky Side.
• Jar Jar Binks returns to leading man status in the new Star Wars movie, complete with his very own sidekick: a three-dimensional pair of Doc Martens that randomly kicks the audience in the junk.
• More Jake Lloyd
• In the new Star Wars film, Luke, Leia, Hand and Chewie discover the secret to peace in the galaxy on the planet Snugglewugs, inhabited by the charming Pufflelumples on top of Mount Diabetes.

To be fair, though, it may not be all bad.  Since Disney is such a prolific corporation, with millions upon millions of people devouring everything they make, they have to be more careful with their products.  So, what we can definitely expect from the next Star Wars movie is significantly less racism.  

Oh, you didn’t think the last three Star Wars movies were racist?  Tell that to floating, penis-nosed Jew stereotype, Watto, or the conniving band of Japanese aliens, The Trade Federation.

                                                                 Racist

                Also racist, compounded by the fact that there are hundreds of these guys

It should also be noted that some companies, when purchased by Disney, actually thrive.  Case in point: Marvel, which was acquired by Disney in 2010.  Since then, Marvel has become a vastly more popular brand, from a number of successful films, to several Saturday-morning cartoons, to an expanding toy line, to increased interest in their print products (you know, comics).

So, it may not all be bad, but it will probably be mostly, mostly bad.  Here’s hoping.