IS THAT…IS THAT REAL?

Video game cut scenes are starting to freak me out.

For those of us that grew up during the advent of the video game industry, memories of our childhood likely link back to images like this:

 

 

 At the time, we thought this looked pretty sweet, but we were mostly freaking out over the fact that video games actually existed, so we no longer needed to do traditional childhood activities, like going outside or talking to other people.

Now, video games look like this:

                                                   Courtesy of Microsoft

That’s the opening video from Halo 4, the newest release in one of video gaming’s most popular series.  Is it just me, or does that video look, I don’t know, real?!  I swear to you, fellow geeks, that for more than a few seconds, I wondered why 343 Industries had decided to cast living actors to star in their games’ cutscenes.  Sure, moments later I felt like an idiot, but I think my shock was justified. 

Oh, and the game is really good, too.

A MCMAHON LOSS IS A FANBOY’S GAIN

"Bah gawd, he’s stompin’ a mudhole in Linda McMahon!" 

First of all, thank you Jim Ross for being a walking caricature of…well…Jim Ross.

You may not be aware of this, but we had an election this week.  I know, right?!  For those of you that missed the interminable election coverage due to the fact that you are dead or European (a new take on the “gay or European” game), let me recap:

• Lots of women are in office, usually beating a man that, at one time or another, described women as “five foot three baby ovens”
• Obama won and yippee and whatnot, though Mitt Romney’s loose relationship with the truth will be missed
• Florida is still not called.  Please note that I am referring to the 2008 election.  The 2012 election results in Florida should be available by August 13^th, 1927 (not a typo)
• Chris Matthews is still yelling at the screen, and has failed to realize that Rachel Maddow knocked him unconscious, moved him to a broom closet, and arranged an old Nintendo system to look like a camera.

The most important result for me and numerous fans of the WWE, however, is the outcome in the Connecticut Senate race between Chris Murphy and former WWE CEO, Linda McMahon.  Murphy beat the living crap out of McMahon, leading to her second loss in a Senate race (to put it in WWE’s terms, it’s equivalent to Lord Tensai’sreturn to the ring).

What does this mean to WWE fans?  Tough to say, though I have to speculate that we could see some changes.  Fans of “sports entertainment” (formerly known as professional wrestling) like me have mourned the recent goings-on during our favorite three-hour Monday night buffet of violence.  This especially pertains to those of us that experienced The Attitude Era firsthand, then slowly watched what was a fascinating, controversial, entertaining show decline into a Saturday morning cartoon.

It’s not for lack of talent or characters.  WWE has some fantastic talent on the roster, from the brilliant champ, CM Punk, to the best “seller” in the business, Dolph Ziggler, who is still one short haircut away from being a full-on national socialist, to a surprisingly fun tag team in Cody Rhodes and Damien Sandow. 

The pieces exist, but the way the company has been run, the development of storylines, the building of momentum, has been more reminiscent of the doldrums of the early 1990s than the invigorating ratings monster of the late 90s and early millennium.  

Today, bad guys lose.  They lose all the time, and should they manage to pull out a victory, it’s due to cheating.

Case in point: CM Punk.  I’ve spoken about him before, now fully embracing my role as a CM Punk mark.  He’s held the main title in the company for nearly a year now, a record unheard of during The Attitude Era, and during most of this period he was a face, or a good guy.  Recently, he made a heel (bad guy) turn.   

While this should have made him more interesting, more dangerous, it has instead castrated him as a performer.  Where before he was a rebellious, almost Stone Cold-eque character, he’s now a whining baby, winning only by interference or cheating.

It’s a formula we’ve come to know all too well in the WWE over the last several years, and many fans believe it is due to one primary cause: Linda McMahon’s forays into politics.

During The Attitude Era, the product was raw and uncensored.  The show pushed the limits every week, and while this could veer in a tasteless direction, it led to some of the most fantastic feuds and best characters in history.  

                                                               DX

                                                              The Rock

                                                             Mick Foley

                                                    Stone Cold Steve Austin

Since Linda’s first campaign, though, the WWE has toned the product down drastically, going so far as changing their TV rating to PG (leading to the new designation, The PG Era).  They’ve eliminated some of the more interesting titles, like the Hardcore Title (which was defended 24-hours a day by the champion, leading to some hilarious matches).  The characters, once vibrant, have become uniformly vanilla, and the company has returned to their reliance on good guys and bad guys, where once Vince McMahon, head honcho of WWE, laid this addiction to rest:

 Where WWE, and especially its flagship show, Monday Night Raw, catered to a younger, male audience, known for their zealotry and willingness to spend money, WWE is little more than a children’s show.

Will Linda McMahon’s second political defeat, despite spending $100 million, lead to a change in the WWE?  Hopefully it will, but those of us that follow the program know that, with WWE, nothing is certain.

DARTH MICKEY

Disney buys Lucasfilm, and geeks everywhere question their existence.

With recent news that Lucasfilm, Ltd. has been purchased by Disney, allow me to quote one of my “favorite” moments from the last Star Wars film:

Already helmed by pants-crapping madman, George Lucas, this acquisition by one of America’s most infamous, planet-devouring corporations means that, for Star Wars fans, the end may truly be in sight, compounded by the announcement that a new Star Wars movie will release in 2015.

Here are some changes that I anticipate after the acquisition takes place:

• Another re-release of the first Star Wars where, in order to settle the “Han shot first” argument, Disney re-shoots the scene so Han gets out of the booth and gives Greedo a big hug.
• Disney changes The Dark Side to The Spooky Side.
• Jar Jar Binks returns to leading man status in the new Star Wars movie, complete with his very own sidekick: a three-dimensional pair of Doc Martens that randomly kicks the audience in the junk.
• More Jake Lloyd
• In the new Star Wars film, Luke, Leia, Hand and Chewie discover the secret to peace in the galaxy on the planet Snugglewugs, inhabited by the charming Pufflelumples on top of Mount Diabetes.

To be fair, though, it may not be all bad.  Since Disney is such a prolific corporation, with millions upon millions of people devouring everything they make, they have to be more careful with their products.  So, what we can definitely expect from the next Star Wars movie is significantly less racism.  

Oh, you didn’t think the last three Star Wars movies were racist?  Tell that to floating, penis-nosed Jew stereotype, Watto, or the conniving band of Japanese aliens, The Trade Federation.

                                                                 Racist

                Also racist, compounded by the fact that there are hundreds of these guys

It should also be noted that some companies, when purchased by Disney, actually thrive.  Case in point: Marvel, which was acquired by Disney in 2010.  Since then, Marvel has become a vastly more popular brand, from a number of successful films, to several Saturday-morning cartoons, to an expanding toy line, to increased interest in their print products (you know, comics).

So, it may not all be bad, but it will probably be mostly, mostly bad.  Here’s hoping.

ORIGINAL SINS

I wrote this article on Crazytown for my friend, and super talented writer, Kim Krizan, regarding her upcoming book, Original Sins.  For this article and others written by me on Crazytown, visit www.crazytownblog.com/author-bob-simpson.

 

ORIGINAL SINS

Acclaimed writer, Kim Krizan, and the Trade Secrets of the Femme Fatale.
By Bob Simpson (Writer)

Remember years ago when you met that really attractive girl?  You worked and pleaded and wooed her for months and, finally, after serenading her fourteen times in public with various tunes, including the theme song from "The Greatest American Hero," she agreed to go on a date with you?
Then, remember two months later, when you were tied to a rocking chair, drifting in and out of consciousness, with one of your kidneys sitting in a Igloo cooler just out of reach?  Despite the significant blood loss and possible high-grade concussion, you think to yourself, "That was totally worth it."
I thought so, too.
Fortunately, my friend, Kim Krizan, has written a book chronicling the lifestyles behind some of our favorite femme fatales, those irresistible dames, more dangerous than a martini laced with hydrochloric acid.

Kim is not only an expert on femme fatales, but also an Academy Award-nominated screenwriter, the writer of "Before Sunrise" and "Before Sunset," and, of course, the bad ass teacher from "Dazed and Confused."

 
That's right, she's the one that pats Don on the head.  Like a boss.
Kim is a hell of a writer, and has been a bit of a mentor for me (like Obi Wan Kenobi, except, you know, not ancient...or a dude).  Original Sins is being released independently, and Kim has launched a Kickstarter campaign to cover the costs of publishing on her own.  I encourage you, the faithful Crazytown audience, to check out her Kickstarter page and, if you are so inclined, chip in to help support an awesome artist.

IT'S CLOBBERIN' TIME

CM Punk writes foreword for “Avengers vs. X-Men” hardcover collection, universe explodes.

Of all things nerd that thrive in modern society, professional wrestling and the comic book industry get the worst wrap.  Critics see them as outlets for children, as goofy, over-the-top creations meant to stimulate the eyes over the brain.  Both possess larger-than-life characters performing the impossible, with men generally bulked-up beyond human proportions, and women whose breasts are roughly the size of those inflatable emergency slides on airplanes.

                                                      That sword is the only thing keeping her from tipping over.

 And while this can be true, exceptions exist.

For comic books, one need only point toLocke & Key, Preacher, Rising Stars, Irredeemable, and Incorruptible as examples of comic books not only bucking that cheese-ball stereotype, but breaking the comic series mold and, to be frank, redefining literature.

For professional wrestling, there’s CM Punk, and then there’s everyone else.  Like those aforementioned series, CM Punk, in his lengthy career in the independent wrestling scene, and now as one of the top draws of the WWE, has taken that chiseled-marble statue of the professional wrestler and shoved it down a flight of stairs.

A combination of “Rowdy” Roddy Piper’s tenacity, Jake “The Snake” Roberts’ unpredictability, and “Stone Cold” Steve Austin’s malice towards authority, CM Punk has risen through the ranks of the WWE when the company has been at its most formulaic.  Abandoning the chaotic atmosphere of the Attitude Era of the late 90s and early 2000s, WWE has returned to the good guy vs. bad guy, muscle-bound behemoths that made men like Hulk Hogan and The Ultimate Warrior some of the biggest stars of the 1980s.

Brought to you by cocaine and HGH

Then there’s CM Punk.  He’s not a giant.  He’s not larger than life.  He’s you, and he’s me, and when you put him in the ring or, better yet, put a microphone in his hand, fireworks go off.

 

So when word reached me that CM Punk, a rabid comic book fan, would write the foreword to the collector’s edition of the fantastic Avengers vs. X-Men series, I was worried that life as we know it would cease to exist.  I mean, in one corner, you have an innovative and electrifying athlete, and in the other corner, a surprisingly touching and powerful comic series written by some of the best talent in the industry (like Brian Michael Bendis, Jason Aaron, and Ed Brubaker).

Thankfully, the universe has continued to exist, which, if nothing else, gives us the opportunity to read CM Punk’s foreword when it’s released on November 7^th.