A SEASON OF DOMINANCE

By Bob Simpson

Being a Blackhawks fan since the 80s means you've experienced a range of emotions that few teams can match.  From the consistency of the early 90s stunted by the 4-game sweep at the hand of the Mario Lemieux-helmed Penguins in 1992, to the incredible lows experienced during the end of the "Dollar" Bill Wirtz era of the late 90s and early 21st century.  Hawks fans didn't stop caring about their club as they slogged and limped through those regular seasons, missing the playoffs again and again.  No, they were forced away by one of the worst ownership groups in sports history, including being named by ESPN as the worst franchise in sports in 2004.

And just like that, rebirth.  Bill's son, Rocky, took the helm, and with the addition of key players like Duncan Keith, Patrick Sharp, and the indomitable duo of Kane and Toews, the Hawks were not only relevant again, they were dangerous.  It won them a Stanley Cup in 2010, their first since 1961, but the Hawks now existed in the Salary Cap Era, and what was a team with a promising future had to dump many of its prized assets, including key performers Antti Niemi, Dustin Byfuglien, Andrew Ladd and Kris Versteeg.  The core was intact, but many doubted the Hawks would be able to compete at the same level after so many crucial departures.

Last night, the Hawks won their second cup in 4 years, proving they are not only the best team in hockey, but may be the first dynasty of the Salary Cap Era.  For long-suffering Hawks fans, this feels like a unwaking dream.

Congratulations to my Hawks, and to a truly scary and talented opponent in the Boston Bruins.  Now here are some final thoughts on the 2013 season:

• Hockey players are the toughest athletes in all of sport. Period.  In the finals alone, Patrice Bergeron played with a broken rib and torn rib muscles, Nathan Horton played with a dislocated shoulder, Marian Hossa had a disk issue in his back that caused him to lose feeling in his legs at times, Bryan Bickell played with a severe knee injury, Jonathan Toews played with an undisclosed head injury, Michal Handzus had a busted wrist, and Andrew Shaw was beaned in the face with a puck in the final game.  Oh, and let's not forget that in the Eastern Conference Finals, Bruins defenseman Gregory Campbell played more than a minute on the ice with a broken leg.  While players in others sports take days off with sore fingers, hockey players play full out with severe injuries - because it's the Cup.
• This Hawks season and subsequent championship may go down as the most dominant in history, beginning with their 24-game unbeaten streak.
• The Hawks were the first team to win the President's Trophy (for best regular season record) and Stanley Cup since the Red Wings in 2008.
• Speaking of the Red Wings, how good did it feel to come back in that series against our greatest rival and send them off to the Eastern Conference with a loss?  That is a rivalry that will be greatly missed.
• And while the Red Wings were the model hockey franchise for about 20 years, the Hawks may now possess the blueprint on how to build a team in the Salary Cap Era.  Keeping that core together of Kane, Toews, Keith, Sharp, Hossa, and Seabrook (with Crawford now maybe added to that core) has produced 2 cups in 4 years.  In this age, with the playing field more level than ever, it's a hell of an achievement.
• Patrick Sharp is the most handsome athlete in the world.
• Patrick Kane is the 4th American to win the Conn Smythe trophy, but the last 3 winners have all been from the U.S. (Tim Thomas in 2011, Jonathan Quick in 2012, Kane in 2013).  The previous American was the Rangers' Brian Leetch in 1994.
• Alex Ovechkin is the most undeserving Hart Trophy winner in recent memory.  That trophy belonged to John Tavares.
• An argument can be made for Tuuka Rask taking home the Conn Smythe even after losing the Cup, but I think after giving up those 2 goals in 17 seconds, he lost his chance.
• Nearly every ESPN hockey analyst picked the Bruins in 6 or 7 games, proving once again that ESPN doesn't know a thing about hockey.
• It sounds crazy, but I am a little bummed the series didn't go 7 games.  Just didn't want this one to end.

GOD ONLY KNOWS

What's that sound?  Oh, it's genius.
By Bob Simpson

I've been playing BioShock Infinite for about 2 hours so far, and I'm impressed.  If you want a more intelligent review of the game, check out every single video game reviewer on earth, and you'll see that it's getting some of the highest marks of the year.

And while the scenery is incredible, set in the utopian floating city of Columbia, and the story is enticing, they didn't capture my imagination and wonder nearly as much as one of the greatest soundtrack choices in video game history, which I stumbled upon mere minutes into the game.

Here, check it out:

Yeah, that's a barbershop quartet singing The Beach Boys' "God Only Knows."  I don't even care what happens during the rest of the game.  Being able to witness these few minutes of brilliance has sold me.  Game of the year.

UNDERTAAAAAAAKER

With Paul Bearer's death, the world lost a great entertainer.
By Bob Simpson

 As a wrestling fan, I get a lot of eye-rolls, especially from my more sophisticated friends who view the world of professional wrestling as a bit of a joke.  When asked why I'm such a fan of a sport that is so disrespected and dismissed by the intellectual elite, my answer is simple: I love great performers.  Sure, watching guys fly off the top ropes or engage in 5 minute rest holds can be interesting, but it's the entertainment aspect, the drama of professional wrestling that has hooked me since I was a child watching the indecipherable promos of the Ultimate Warrior.

My most memorable wrestling moments haven't been spectacular matches, but the moments in between. Just a few of these are CM Punk's career-defining moment, now known only as "The Promo," the birth of Austin 3:16, and Jake Robert's epic, legendary promo about The Million Dollar Man.

Character is the other element that has captured my attention over the years, and this week the world lost one of the best.  William Moody, aka Paul Bearer, was one of the best managers of all time, and created one of the sport's most lasting and unique characters.  A mortuary owner, Paul Bearer was the on again/off again mentor for The Undertaker, Mankind and Kane, and was featured in some of professional wrestling's most memorable moments.  With his high-pitched squeal and undeniable creep factor, Paul Bearer added an element of evil to a company known for flashy colors and over-the-top performers.

Here are some great moments from the man himself:

For wrestling fans everywhere, let me shout my appreciation to Paul Bearer, and let's hope he rests in peace.
 

THAT’S NOT THE "RECORD" LIGHT, BABY…

…no, seriously, wait, don’t go!
By Bob Simpson (Writer)


During my recent trip to the Santa Ynez Valley, I got to talking with a sommelier at a wine bar in Solvang.  We had similar interests, namely horror movies and Mystery Science Theater 3000, and during our conversation he recommended I check out a recent independent horror flick, V/H/S.  He praised the film and its style, and having seen the trailer myself, I thought it’d be a great movie for my wife and I to watch.
Fast forward a week later, as the end credits rolled on V/H/S, and my reaction was not elation so much as…I don’t know…malaise and confusion.  V/H/S isn’t a bad movie (wouldn't be in my "Best Of" list) but to call it a movie is not entirely accurate.  “A mixture of unbalanced short horror films” is better, and if you aren’t sure whether this movie is right for you, allow me to summarize every single short in the omnibus.

Girl [realizing she is being filmed as sexual intercourse is about to commence with Guy]:  Hey, what are you doing?
Guy:  Huh?
Girl [pointing at not-so-cleverly hidden camera]:  Is that your camera?
Guy:  No.
Girl:  Yes it is.  Is it on?  Are you trying to record us having sex?
Guy:  Maybe.
Girl:  We talked about this, male actor.  I don’t feel comfortable being filmed.
Guy:  Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww come oooooooooooooooooooon.
Girl [beginning to dress]:  No.
Guy:  Come ooooooooooooon.
Girl:  No, male actor.  I said, ‘no.’
Guy:  But…come oooooooooooon.

[Both actors are killed by homeless man hiding in the closet]

So, there you go.  That’s V/H/S. Then, I realized that a disturbing trend has surfaced in the horror movie genre, particularly in the now completely cliché “found footage” subgenre.  According to horror film writers or the studios that produce them (not sure who to blame), every single man on the face of this earth has but one goal: film himself having sex with some lady.
You see it in every short in V/H/S (not kidding here, readers, it’s in every single damn short), in Paranormal Activity, in the remake of Friday the 13^th, and countless other recent horror flicks.  Whereas horror victims in the 80s and 90s died because they had sex instead of addressing the chainsaw wielding maniac clearly hiding behind the door, in the new millennium having sex is not nearly enough to warrant such punishment.  Nowadays, you have to try to make a porno, and THEN you get slaughtered.
Maybe I’m misjudging my gender, but this trend has come as a bit of a surprise to me.  Is Hollywood correct?  Do dudes everywhere pine at night, hoping against hope that they can either find a girl willing to be filmed, or find a technique deceptive enough that a girl will never realize she’s being filmed?  I think not. 
Let me amend that: I hope not.

SLIM BREAKS BAD

SLIM BREAKS BAD

Gentled Geek returns this week after an extended hiatus, during which your geek pal was either traveling or remembering what the hell a quadratic equation was.  Now that we’ve returned, I’d like to call to attention a paradigm shift that’s occurred recently in the world of Marvel comics that deserves more attention that its getting.  Namely, Cyclops.

That’s right, I want to talk about Cyclops – boring, boy scout, do-no-wrong Cyclops.  Before we get to the main subject of this week’s article, let me say to those of you that feel that way about Cyclops (i.e., that he’s as interesting as a sober conversation with Fun Bobby...you're welcome ladies), please go to hell.  I, for one, have been a Cyclops fan since I started reading the comics and watching the incredible cartoon in the 90s.  I saw Cyclops as a character holding an immense amount of potential, if only Professor X could get out of his way and let Cyclops take over…

Conversely, I always thought Wolverine was overrated.  So, in the frequent battle of Cyclops vs. Wolverine, I was in the minority, but was also aware that Cyclops possessed a steeper arc than Wolverine, or virtually any other character in the X-Men lexicon.  Wolverine had been to the nadir and risen.  Cyclops, had been to the top, but had yet to fall.

So, allow me to say to those ladies and gentlemen (though, judging by how women are drawn, mostly gentlemen) at Marvel, “Congratulations on taking Cyclops and turning him into a villain.”

 

That’s right, folks.  For those of you that had given up on the X-Men after the House of M storyline, do yourself a favor and get behind Brian Michael Bendis’ new X-Men title because Cyclops, the Boy Scout himself, has turned into Magneto.  While the X-Men carry on and mutantkind starts to grow again thanks to our old pal, The Phoenix Force, Cyclops has been cast off and has basically formed a new Brotherhood of Evil Mutants with Magik, Emma Frost, Danger and Magneto.  

The writing has reinvigorated the series, and the idea of rival mutant schools (Kitty Pryde and Wolverine’s Jean Grey school vs. Cyclops and company’s Xavier school) leads to so many possibilities.

This nerd is ecstatic that a series that has stalled for so many years, has been resurrected thanks to the Avengers vs. X-Men series and now, the Cyclops “heel turn.”  His character deserved more, and now he’s got it.

All images property of Marvel Comics, Inc.