THAT’S NOT THE "RECORD" LIGHT, BABY…

…no, seriously, wait, don’t go!
By Bob Simpson (Writer)


During my recent trip to the Santa Ynez Valley, I got to talking with a sommelier at a wine bar in Solvang.  We had similar interests, namely horror movies and Mystery Science Theater 3000, and during our conversation he recommended I check out a recent independent horror flick, V/H/S.  He praised the film and its style, and having seen the trailer myself, I thought it’d be a great movie for my wife and I to watch.
Fast forward a week later, as the end credits rolled on V/H/S, and my reaction was not elation so much as…I don’t know…malaise and confusion.  V/H/S isn’t a bad movie (wouldn't be in my "Best Of" list) but to call it a movie is not entirely accurate.  “A mixture of unbalanced short horror films” is better, and if you aren’t sure whether this movie is right for you, allow me to summarize every single short in the omnibus.

Girl [realizing she is being filmed as sexual intercourse is about to commence with Guy]:  Hey, what are you doing?
Guy:  Huh?
Girl [pointing at not-so-cleverly hidden camera]:  Is that your camera?
Guy:  No.
Girl:  Yes it is.  Is it on?  Are you trying to record us having sex?
Guy:  Maybe.
Girl:  We talked about this, male actor.  I don’t feel comfortable being filmed.
Guy:  Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww come oooooooooooooooooooon.
Girl [beginning to dress]:  No.
Guy:  Come ooooooooooooon.
Girl:  No, male actor.  I said, ‘no.’
Guy:  But…come oooooooooooon.

[Both actors are killed by homeless man hiding in the closet]

So, there you go.  That’s V/H/S. Then, I realized that a disturbing trend has surfaced in the horror movie genre, particularly in the now completely cliché “found footage” subgenre.  According to horror film writers or the studios that produce them (not sure who to blame), every single man on the face of this earth has but one goal: film himself having sex with some lady.
You see it in every short in V/H/S (not kidding here, readers, it’s in every single damn short), in Paranormal Activity, in the remake of Friday the 13^th, and countless other recent horror flicks.  Whereas horror victims in the 80s and 90s died because they had sex instead of addressing the chainsaw wielding maniac clearly hiding behind the door, in the new millennium having sex is not nearly enough to warrant such punishment.  Nowadays, you have to try to make a porno, and THEN you get slaughtered.
Maybe I’m misjudging my gender, but this trend has come as a bit of a surprise to me.  Is Hollywood correct?  Do dudes everywhere pine at night, hoping against hope that they can either find a girl willing to be filmed, or find a technique deceptive enough that a girl will never realize she’s being filmed?  I think not. 
Let me amend that: I hope not.