Video game cut scenes are starting to freak me out.
For those of us that grew up during the advent of the video
game industry, memories of our childhood likely link back to images like this:
At the time, we thought this looked pretty sweet, but we
were mostly freaking out over the fact that video games actually existed, so we
no longer needed to do traditional childhood activities, like going outside or
talking to other people.
Now, video games look like this:
Courtesy of Microsoft
That’s the opening video from Halo 4, the newest release in
one of video gaming’s most popular series.Is it just me, or does that video look, I don’t know, real?!I swear to you, fellow geeks, that for more
than a few seconds, I wondered why 343 Industries had decided to cast living actors
to star in their games’ cutscenes.Sure,
moments later I felt like an idiot, but I think my shock was justified.
"Bah gawd, he’s stompin’ a mudhole in Linda McMahon!"
First of all, thank you Jim Ross for being a walking
caricature of…well…Jim Ross.
You may not be aware of this, but we had an election this
week.I know, right?!For those of you that missed the interminable
election coverage due to the fact that you are dead or European (a new take on
the “gay or European” game), let me recap:
Lots of women are in office, usually beating a man that, at
one time or another, described women as “five foot three baby ovens”
Obama won and yippee and whatnot, though Mitt Romney’s loose
relationship with the truth will be missed
Florida is still not called. Please note that I am referring to the 2008
election.The 2012 election results in
Florida should be available by August 13th, 1927 (not a typo)
Chris Matthews is still yelling at the screen, and has
failed to realize that Rachel Maddow knocked him unconscious, moved him to a
broom closet, and arranged an old Nintendo system to look like a camera.
The most important result for me and numerous fans of the
WWE, however, is the outcome in the Connecticut Senate race between Chris
Murphy and former WWE CEO, Linda McMahon.Murphy beat the living crap out of McMahon, leading to her second loss
in a Senate race (to put it in WWE’s terms, it’s equivalent to Lord Tensai’sreturn to the ring).
What does this mean to WWE fans?Tough to say, though I have to speculate that
we could see some changes.Fans of
“sports entertainment” (formerly known as professional wrestling) like me have
mourned the recent goings-on during our favorite three-hour Monday night buffet
of violence.This especially pertains to
those of us that experienced The Attitude Era firsthand, then slowly watched
what was a fascinating, controversial, entertaining show decline into a
Saturday morning cartoon.
It’s not for lack of talent or characters.WWE has some fantastic talent on the roster,
from the brilliant champ, CM Punk, to the best “seller” in the business, Dolph
Ziggler, who is still one short haircut away from being a full-on national socialist, to a surprisingly fun tag team in Cody Rhodes and Damien Sandow.
The pieces exist, but the way the company has been run, the
development of storylines, the building of momentum, has been more reminiscent
of the doldrums of the early 1990s than the invigorating ratings monster of the
late 90s and early millennium.
Today, bad guys lose.They lose all the time, and should they manage to pull out a victory,
it’s due to cheating.
Case in point: CM Punk.I’ve spoken about him before, now fully embracing my role as a CM Punk
mark.He’s held the main title in the
company for nearly a year now, a record unheard of during The Attitude Era, and
during most of this period he was a face, or a good guy.Recently, he made a heel (bad guy) turn.
While this should have made him more
interesting, more dangerous, it has instead castrated him as a performer.Where before he was a rebellious, almost
Stone Cold-eque character, he’s now a whining baby, winning only by
interference or cheating.
It’s a formula we’ve come to know all too well in the WWE
over the last several years, and many fans believe it is due to one primary
cause: Linda McMahon’s forays into politics.
During The Attitude Era, the product was raw and
uncensored.The show pushed the limits
every week, and while this could veer in a tasteless direction, it led to some
of the most fantastic feuds and best characters in history.
DX
The Rock
Mick Foley
Stone Cold Steve Austin
Since Linda’s first campaign, though, the WWE has toned the
product down drastically, going so far as changing their TV rating to PG
(leading to the new designation, The PG Era).They’ve eliminated some of the more interesting titles, like the
Hardcore Title (which was defended 24-hours a day by the champion, leading to
some hilarious matches).The characters,
once vibrant, have become uniformly vanilla, and the company has returned to
their reliance on good guys and bad guys, where once Vince McMahon, head honcho
of WWE, laid this addiction to rest:
Where WWE, and especially its flagship show, Monday Night
Raw, catered to a younger, male audience, known for their zealotry and
willingness to spend money, WWE is little more than a children’s show.
Will Linda McMahon’s second political defeat, despite
spending $100 million, lead to a change in the WWE?Hopefully it will, but those of us that
follow the program know that, with WWE, nothing is certain.
Disney buys Lucasfilm, and geeks everywhere question their existence.
With recent news that Lucasfilm, Ltd. has been purchased by Disney, allow me to quote one of my “favorite” moments from the last Star Wars
film:
Already helmed by pants-crapping madman, George Lucas, this
acquisition by one of America’s most infamous, planet-devouring corporations
means that, for Star Wars fans, the end may truly be in sight, compounded by
the announcement that a new Star Wars movie will release in 2015.
Here are some changes that I anticipate after the acquisition
takes place:
Another re-release of the first Star Wars where, in order to
settle the “Han shot first” argument, Disney re-shoots the scene so Han gets out
of the booth and gives Greedo a big hug.
Disney changes The Dark Side to The Spooky Side.
Jar Jar Binks returns to leading man status in the new Star
Wars movie, complete with his very own sidekick: a three-dimensional pair of
Doc Martens that randomly kicks the audience in the junk.
In the new Star Wars film, Luke, Leia, Hand and Chewie
discover the secret to peace in the galaxy on the planet Snugglewugs, inhabited
by the charming Pufflelumples on top of Mount Diabetes.
To be fair, though, it may not be all bad.Since Disney is such a prolific corporation,
with millions upon millions of people devouring everything they make, they have
to be more careful with their products.So, what we can definitely expect from the next Star Wars movie is
significantly less racism.
Oh, you didn’t think the last three Star Wars movies were
racist?Tell that to floating,
penis-nosed Jew stereotype, Watto, or the conniving band of Japanese aliens,
The Trade Federation.
Racist
Also racist, compounded by the fact that there are hundreds of these guys
It should also be noted that some companies, when purchased
by Disney, actually thrive.Case in
point: Marvel, which was acquired by Disney in 2010.Since then, Marvel has become a vastly more
popular brand, from a number of successful films, to several Saturday-morning
cartoons, to an expanding toy line, to increased interest in their print
products (you know, comics).
So, it may not all be bad, but it will probably be mostly,
mostly bad.Here’s hoping.
